Welcome to the first part of a series of occasional posts meant to help us think about some of the most common areas humans value through the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Today we will be focusing on the ACT value area of Partnership. No matter which of the 35 or more terms that you use to describe your most intimate relationship types and dynamics, it is worth asking ourselves some important questions from time to time to assess the status of those relationships and, if they need a tune-up, how.
ACT starts by asking some foundational questions. Setting aside the most fundamental question of what kind of partner you want, one might ask themselves “what kind of partner do you want to be?” You might also ask what are the qualities that would describe a relationship you want to be a part of.
To that end, Catherine Pearson at the New York Times recently interviewed therapists and relationship researchers who shared 6 additional questions that can bring couples closer after the relationship has been up and running for a while. You can read the full article at https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/10/well/family/marriage-midlife-counseling.html, the questions are summarized below.
- What is our next chapter? Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who stars in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy,” encourages her clients to consider their plans for the third chapter of their relationships (when the marriage is neither fresh and new, nor consumed by domestic demands). It’s a conversation she sees many couples having organically, particularly those in their 50s and 60s whose children have left home. “Where are they going to turn that attention?” she often asks. “And how is that going to inflect the couple?” Galena Rhoades, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Denver, has advised clients to ask one another: “What are our big hopes and dreams?”
- What are we modeling for our children or other couples? What do we want others to learn from our relationship? How might that shape their own relationships? For instance, maybe you want to make it clear that relationships take work, Dr. Rhoades said, so you talk to your children about how you handle conflict. Perhaps it’s emphasizing the importance of date nights and prioritizing coupledom.
- How do I contribute to any problems we have or are currently facing? This kind of self-reflection is easier said than done, admitted Adam R. Fisher, a psychologist and sex therapist based in Salt Lake City. But by midlife, most of us have learned something about ourselves and our relationships. Dr. Fisher said that taking time to reflect on the type of partner they want to be — regardless of what their partner does or doesn’t do — ultimately gives his clients a greater sense of agency within their relationships.
- What skills have we developed? By the time couples reach middle age, many have fallen into decades-long communication patterns, some better than others, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles and the author of “Achieving Intimacy.” So he often encourages partners to think about the positive communication skills they have developed. “You want to fortify those,” he said. Advertisement SKIP ADVERTISEMENT Maybe you’re both good at listening without interrupting, for example. Maybe you are pros at apologizing. Simply acknowledging some of those strengths can be a useful bonding exercise, Mr. Chernin said. “Let’s strengthen what’s going well,” he said, “not just address what needs to be improved.
- Is this relationship worth it? With experience, most people come to understand that no one gets everything they want from one person, said Terrence Real, a family therapist and author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.” Which is why middle age can be a good time to have what he calls a “relational reckoning.” “A relational reckoning is a question,” he explained, “and the question is: Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I don’t get OK with me?”
- Should we get outside help? It is important to approach the questions above with a sense of curiosity and openness, said Tiana Frazier, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Texas. Try to stay present and avoid becoming defensive, she said, and “if the conversation becomes overwhelming, it’s OK to take a break.” Couples who are contemplating whether they want to stay together — or perhaps to radically change the structure of their relationship — may want to engage professional help. Discernment counseling is an option for couples who are pondering big changes, Ms. Hershman said. Depending on your circumstances, you might consider a specific form of counseling, like sex therapy, or individual therapy if your partner is reluctant to join you.
