This post was adapted from “To help someone going through a crisis, use these 7 words” from NPR Shots. Read the full story at https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2024/11/26/nx-s1-5205605/empathy-emotional-support-listening-relationships
Kelly Corrigan has written four New York Times bestselling memoirs in the last decade. She has written many Op-Eds, hosts a very busy podcast, and much more. To say Kelly is a communication maven is an understatement. And yet when her daughters became tweens, Corrigan stood ready to help them with the troubles and travails of that delicate time, ready to solve any problems that came their way. Spoiler alert: it did not end well.
But then one day her daughter Georgia called crying while Corrigan happened to be in a car with a friend who was a therapist, so she put the phone on speaker. Georgia said she hated sixth grade. All the girls in class were turning on her for no reason. Corrigan’s friend whispered: “Say ‘tell me more.’ ” Corrigan echoed it to her daughter: “Tell me more.” Georgia went on complaining. “Say ‘that sounds really hard,'” whispered the therapist-in-training. “That sounds so hard,” Corrigan said to Georgia. “It is!” Georgia replied.
An important lesson was learned that day, and it is one we can all learn. When a family member or friend is struggling emotionally, using phrases like these can unlock a deeper connection, and it’s far more powerful than giving advice, says Corrigan.
Briefly, the steps toward truly supporting someone you care about through a difficult time can be summarized as follows:
- Hold off on problem solving: offering a solution Corrigan says it can be “kind of humiliating” if someone brings their problem to you and you just solve it right away. “Because, basically, the underlying message of that is what are you so upset about? Like, it’s not that hard to figure this out,” says Corrigan.
- Learn the seven words: “Tell me more…” “Go on…” “What else?” These words give them space to tell their story, to feel loved and accepted no matter how heavy the things are that they want to share. “You can get pretty far in life just with those seven words,” Corrigan says.
- Practice emotional hospitality: Love is not one size fits all, Corrigan says. For example, if you’re caring for children, remember that not all kids like to be hugged (or adults for that matter). “If I were to custom design a feeling for you, what would the shape of it be? What would the sound of it be?” Corrigan asks. But don’t pressure yourself to say just the right thing when someone is unburdening their pain, she says. Instead, practice “emotional hospitality,” where you create a comforting environment with your presence, inviting the other person to open up: “Tell me something. I’m here.”
- Tune in: Love can be quiet and still. Corrigan says when the going gets tough for a loved one, she gets a strong urge to jump into action mode. “Everything in me wants to grab a clipboard, make a to-do list and start calendaring appointments,” she says. She says there’s a better way. Instead of reassuring a person or minimizing their misgivings, listen. The idea, she says, is to telegraph to that person that “I’m going to absorb this thing with you. I’m going to mirror your seriousness about it. And maybe that can let you rest.”
This post was adapted from “To help someone going through a crisis, use these 7 words” from NPR Shots. Read the full story at https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2024/11/26/nx-s1-5205605/empathy-emotional-support-listening-relationships