I’ve won this argument six times in the shower. Unfortunately, the other person has attended none of them. My closing statement is extraordinary. The shampoo is visibly moved.
What actually happened was smaller. Yesterday, someone interrupted me halfway through a story. I said, “It’s fine,” which came as news to me later, given the amount of material I had prepared for the appeal.
Sometimes the second run through a conversation gives us something we missed the first time. In my case, I realized I’d been hurt. I wanted to finish telling a friend something that mattered to me. That was worth figuring out. By the sixth run, though, all I’d done was give my friend six imaginary chances to apologize. Their record was terrible. In fairness, I’d written both parts.
There’s a question from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that I find useful here. When I go over this again, does it help me decide what to do next?
If the answer is yes, take a moment with it. Maybe there’s something you want to say, a question you want to ask, or a limit you want to set. For me, one honest sentence would do. “Hey, I know we got sidetracked yesterday. Could I finish telling you what happened?” I wanted my friend to understand why the story mattered to me. I could give them a chance to do that in an actual conversation.
Try a small experiment today. The next time you catch yourself mid-replay, ask that question. If a useful next step occurs to you, jot it down or decide when you’ll take it. If you’re on your fourth revised opening statement and haven’t learned anything new, try saying to yourself, “I’m replaying this.” Then give some attention to the thing you’ve chosen to do now. That might be listening to the person at breakfast who is talking to you. You can still feel hurt, finish breakfast, and decide to call your friend later.
And if the argument starts up again while you’re looking for a clean towel? You get another chance to choose. The shampoo has heard enough.
Go be a person. See what happens.