Most of us like to imagine that, by adulthood, we’ve reached a peaceful state of “take me or leave me.”
And then someone gives us a weird look in a meeting, sends a short text, doesn’t laugh at our joke, or seems mildly annoyed at the coffee shop, and suddenly our brain is running a full congressional investigation.
Jelena Kecmanovic, PhD, a clinical psychologist in the Washington area and a professor at Georgetown University, recently responded to a question posed to her, “How do I stop obsessing over whether people like me? I still get upset by even minor (or imagined) rejections. Why does this still bother me so much, and how can I care less?”
Caring what other people think is not a character flaw. It is human. We are wired to care about belonging, approval, and rejection. Historically, being accepted by the group was tied to survival; today, it usually just means we spend 45 minutes wondering whether “Sounds good” was secretly hostile.
The problem is not that we care. The problem is when we treat every ambiguous social cue as evidence that we are failing.
A few helpful reminders:
- Someone else’s mood, stress, hunger, history, or insecurity may have very little to do with us.
- We often underestimate how positively others see us.
- “That interaction felt awkward” is very different from “I am awkward.”
- “My idea was rejected” is very different from “I was rejected.”
- Not everyone will like us—and that is not necessarily an emergency.
The article also suggests something surprisingly useful: try assuming people like you. Not in an arrogant way. Just in a “maybe I don’t need to enter every room pre-apologizing for my existence” way. When we expect rejection, we may become guarded or distant, which can accidentally create the very disconnection we feared.
The takeaway: You do not have to stop caring what people think.
You can just practice caring a little less about every passing signal, every minor awkward moment, and every opinion from someone who may simply need lunch.
Today’s question: What would change today if you assumed you were already generally acceptable as you are?